Sometimes sudden, unexpected mention about a person, long graved amongst the debris of the ‘forgotten memories section’ of the brain, does dig them out and refreshes the time, place, people and situations.
Many, many moons ago (it was in between the years 2009-2010, to be precise) I was a young, energetic, eager girl, just stepping on the stones of adulthood. I clearly remember it as though it was yesterday. After having secured a regular appointment as an educator, in a remote village of my state, and eyes full of hope for a beautiful beginning of Adulthood. Imagine a young lass (of 23 years) being let out of her home to be independent, financially and likewise, she meets peers of her age, even the learners were hardly 4-5 years younger then her. Life was one big party, with the day being filled up by work and the nights with her friends, laughing, shouting, dancing, et al.
One fine day, as I was getting settled in the new place, therein comes Mr. A (Let’s call him that), as a new faculty member. Quickly something clicks and we become the best of friends. We go everywhere together, do things together – so basically we spent a lot of time together. Being a young, unmarried person and being very friendly – Boy Oh Boy! Did the rumors of us being together catch fire in no time. Me, being a ‘no-ducks’ to give kinda person, didn’t actually give any ‘ducks’ and we continued our friendship regardless of the stares, the whispers and the talks.
It is said, “ek ladka aur ladki kabhi bhi dost nahi ban sakte” (a boy and a girl can never be friends) but I was a tomboy and always had guy friends in my life. Thus the ‘talks’ of my assumed ‘newly acquired flame’ was ignored by my folks back at home as they were used to me hanging around with boys. (As I live in a society where even today girls and boys hanging around together is seen with big, inquisitive, CCTVish eyes.) Let me clear the air, we were never an item. We were very close. Period.
Mr. A asked me if I watched Nepali movies. I had started acquiring a taste for the cheesy movies as I had nothing else to entertain myself with apart from my games and a few DVDs of Korean Drama (we were a part of the beginning of K-Drama Era.) It was the time where catching full mobile network was a matter of luck and being situated in a remote area Lady Luck was an infrequent visitor. He asked me to watch it. On asking why that particular movie, his response was “Hami tyo dui Kinara ho” (we are like the two riverbanks). Well, I didn’t understand the actual significance of those words and laughed it off. Days changed into months, it was soon time to go home for our annual vacation. The night before we were supposed to go home, he came to my abode for dinner. He handed me copy of the movie and he was acting strange as though he would never see me again. Weird but I overlooked, had I known it was the very last time we would be talking this cordially, I would have tried to find out why. For the first time he gave me a hug and said he would miss me. And we parted ways.
I went along with my parents for a trip to some countries for a month or so. After landing in India, I saw so many calls and messages by Mr. A. and deep down maybe I was expecting and happy to see that he cared (mind you, I had just come out of an 8 year long relationship and had no faith in men or love). But I guess familiarity breeds feelings, sometimes. After trying to contact him for almost a week, where I got no response, my friends have me a news. Apparently, his ex-girlfriend had been staying with his parents since December, but he never mentioned. It cannot be a simple case of forgetting to inform. But somewhere down I felt hurt, humiliated and let down. Why? I still don’t know why.
Come February when school resumes, I ignored him completely, refusing to meet him, refusing to talk to him, avoiding him. I had applied for a new job at a different place and luckily the result was positive and I was to report in by March. All this while I refused to have any contact with him and soon walked out of that place. As for the movie, I couldn’t watch due to lack of time as I had to fly out as soon as I reached home for my holidays and, you know, coming home is never a relaxing affair with many, many catch-ups to do.
After 2-3 years I get a friend request in FB. The name was different and I don’t accept unknown IDs but due to mutual friends list I thought it was a known person so I accepted. As soon as the person was added, I got a message and it was Him. The conversation was cordial and boring (after all time does change people). After a few days I unfriended and blocked him because I don’t believe in hanging on to the past. And we went our separate ways. He tried to call but there also he was royally ignored. Thus him and his memories were drowned somewhere down the ‘forgotten memory section’.
A week ago his name popped up twice. First, he was transferred to my brother’s department. Second, my cousin sister mentioned his name out of the blue. But we laughed it off, Mr. A was brushed aside. Two days ago a mutual friend gave a sad news that Mr. A was no more. It was an accidental death. Though we were not even in touch but the news did make me sad. Long forgotten memories came rushing back, engulfing and suffocating me. It felt as though I should have gave him a chance to explain. Perhaps I should have taken his peace offering. Perhaps we could have remained great friends. Perhaps I should have forgiven him. But now it’ll remain in the Perhaps.
Now I understand what he meant by “Dui Kinara”. Putting it across simply, “Hami tyo khola ko dui Kinara jastai ho, sangai ta huncha Tara kahile bhet hudaina” (we are like the two river banks, though we will walk together but we can never be together). You were right Mr. A. We could have never been together for many reasons. But only if I would have given him a chance to talk like adults, maybe things would have been different. We would have been great friends. But now… Why did the news of your passing away affect me so? All I can come to a conclusion is because of the what-ifs and the Perhaps.
The movie”Dui Kinara” awaits to be viewed. With this movie, I bid thee adieu Mr. A. You were a good person but you had come with such a short life span, no one knew. Do stay happy wherever you may be at. Now these banks will never meet, at least not in this lifetime…